X-Force 54. "Putting Back the Bacon" Writer: Elizabeth Celeste Editor: Marysia ***************************************************************** Please do not sue. X-Writers is a non-profit fan-fiction group. We intend no legal disrespect. And more to the point, we don't actually have any money. I do have a spare paper on the role of the small state dominated General Assembly on the legitimacy of the United Nations, and on the limits of state sovereignty. But I doubt that you really want that. Especially since I got a C in the class. So don't take this too seriously, don't try any of this at home, and if you kidnap Kevin Bacon, please remember to put him back where you found him. **************************************************************** It had, by most definitions, been a pretty good day for the various members of X-Force. Tabitha, Rictor, and Shatterstar had picked Sam up at the airport. Theresa, Jimmy, Caliban and Bobby had completed their task of acquiring Jamie Madrox, in order to send him to Val Cooper. Pretty standard day in the lives of the occasional mutant strike force. But that was where the standard ended. Because Jamie Madrox wasn't Jamie Madrox. Because Tabitha had some big news. And because _normal_ was never a phrase applied to the team. With seriousness anyway. ------------------------- "I can't believe nobody noticed. Like none of ya even suspected I was pregnant?". The living room full of Tabitha's team mates, her best friends, and of course Sam Guthrie, the cause of this whole problem, just stared blankly. Shock was pretty much the mass emotion. "You mean I was pukin' my guts up for three months, outgrew my costume, got a new one, and outgrew all a'my pants and _nobody_ noticed." She paused to breathe. The blank stares continued. Sam had sat down on one of the packing boxes, curled up into his namesake Cannonball. Taking a lack of response for encouragement, Tab continued, "Nobody noticed I was stealing their jeans? I'm practically up to Jimmy's." The stunned incomprehension on the part of X-Force continued. The whole dichotomy between Tabitha Smith, known as Boomer as much for her personality as her mutant ability to produce time bombs, and motherhood was almost incomprehensible. As incomprehensible as the word dichotomy. However, incomprehension was one of the things that X-Force was best at- they hadn't earned their "shoot first, blow up later" reputation by thinking. "So what ya ain't saying is that none a ya noticed this whole time- except Ric- who I had to tell- _yesterday_?" A few heads nodded. Sam Guthrie, Fifty percent responsible for the whole thing, stayed in his ball, wondering exactly why paying attention to Gideon had seemed like a good idea. "Nobody?", Tabitha said in a small voice as if pleading for some recognition. She got it. "Yes!" was the answer, recited almost in unison. The whole thing was starting to sink in. And they were getting itchy. This was real life, and responsibilities. All of which were things that happened to _other_ people. Having finally got a response, Tabitha choose to ignore it. "But, I would have noticed. I mean look at all of you- Jimmy's had this huge big dumb grin all day because he and Theresa finally went at it last night. Terry's in a bad mood for the same reason," Theresa simply adopted a huge scowl, and Jimmy started to blush. He kept the same dopey smile though. "Ric has caught the midnight showing of _Hercules: The Legendary Journeys_ every night this week- but he lied and said he was watching _Women's Beach Volleyball_. Bobby's got his brain fried- he ain't exactly our Roberto DaCosta- he got the plot of a Magnum episode wrong, and he quit imitating Higgens. Caliban is deliberately turning purple. And Star hasn't beat the Waterworld level of the Animaniacs game, but he can beat Prosh at chess. And Sam had something go wrong in Westchester- he didn't talk about the X-Men once the whole trip here. And.." She was finally cut off. By a very unhappy Theresa Cassidy. "Tabitha, when did you have time to figure out all that. And what makes it your business?" Theresa was irritable. She didn't really care if the team knew she was sleeping with Jimmy. It wasn't anything that they hadn't seen coming. She did care that it was Tabitha doing the announcing. And the disrupting. And the breeding. California was turning into a really bad idea. "Hey, Terry, cut the girl some slack. It's not everyday that somebody on this team has a kid." To his credit, Ric, the most prepared of the team, was trying to calm the situation down. Not that anyone was paying attention. "Yer not the one who had his personal life displayed ta the world. Think of the team. We don't have medical facilities. We don't know what pregnancy does to powers, we don't have room for a baby...." "Babies do not affect powers. How can they? A Fertilization Chamber is a machine. "Star. El informacion hasta la condition de la chica, later." Ric groaned. Not so much because his friend was having difficulties with the human reproductive process, but because he _knew_ with out a shadow of a doubt that he would be the one chosen to explain the process involved. After all, TV didn't often go into detail- only on the educational shows, or late night cable. And Star never even watched them. As for the X-men, there had not been a birth to anyone even remotely associated with Xaviers, since well, Cable. --- "Mr. Nebokavh, I can't tell you how wonderful the past few weeks have been. I have enjoyed the hospitality and the introductions. However, it is time to discuss a few serious matters: Namely, my pay. As of right now, you owe me $30,000". "Rhonda, darling, baby, don't worry. You will be adequately compensated for you're work. Once we find a buyer for Rhodesia: The Movie, the money will come flowing in." Roman Nebokavh was in trouble and he knew it. Not with his career, it had died a decade previous, but with the cash flow. Quick talking was needed. "Look- either I get paid by Friday, or I walk. And no attempting to pay me in Cocaine, cars or real estate either. I want actual cash. American money". Rhonda was more then willing to receive a few assists from Nebokavh. She was not willing to become another Dazzler. For starters, she charged a great deal more to take her clothes off. And she was bound and determined not turn in to Nebokavh's pet coke whore. There were more important people she could do that for. ----- Screams from the kitchen reminded the team that Tabitha, despite her pretensions, was not the centre of the known universe. Kevin Bacon had a much better claim to the title. Not that they knew exactly how famous the case of mistaken identity was. Sam stayed curled up on the packing crates, but the vast majority of the team went to investigate the screams from the kitchen. Tabitha after a moment of hesitation, stayed behind. Sam was quite a bit more important than whoever was in the kitchen. Which left every one else to face the wrath of a rather upset Kevin Bacon. Bacon was not a happy camper. He'd done his own stunts on the set of Augamundo in the morning, been kidnapped in the mid-afternoon, and was spending the early evening tied to a chair, his right foot mired in a puddle of dog pee. It was by no stretch of the imagination a good day. Even the reviews of "Tremors" had been better. At least the horrid little sausage dog had left, presumably to find greener pastures then the kitchen. All of this meant that Kevin Bacon shared the prevailing mood of X-Force. Not for the first time, he found himself wishing for a more useful mutant power. Something to help him escape. The ability to turn his toenails purple was simply not much help. It was a definite non-survival enhancing mutation. Heck it wasn't even very useful as a parlour trick. "Would ye stop screaming Jamie. We heard ye the first time." {The redheads gonna kill me.} was Kevin's first thought. Then he saw her backup. And decided that he had larger things to worry about. Five of them to be exact. "Ye remember _Boom-Boom_? Tabitha Smith?" She wasn't really looking for a response. If Jamie Madrox had forgotten Tabitha, forgotten the reason they had left the Fallen Angels and gone their separate ways, then he had bigger problems then being tied up in the kitchen. So he just nodded his head. Never heard of the girl. Never heard of these people. May have seen them on the news once, but not quite sure why.... "Well, she and Sam are having a baby. And they didn't exactly ask any of us first. Now, Jamie, ye might say 'But Terrrrrry. What's that got to do with me?' Well, I'll tell ye. It means yer receiving the extra-special treatment here. Because friend or not, unless ye start talking, ye ain't going ter be goin nowhere. Val Cooper said she wanted you alive. She didnae tell us in what condition". Theresa was pulling up every bad line of dialogue from every bad IRA movie she had ever seen. It was surprisingly soothing to pretend to be a badgirl. And it would be guaranteed to get Jamie to talk. Hopefully. And Val had sounded pretty pissed at him.... "What has this got to do with me? I'm an actor, not whoever this Jamie guy is. I just want to go home to be with my family...." Kevin Bacon was trying to keep his composure. If the movies taught anything, it was that composure was the key to pulling off anything. Attitude and composure. Just look at Footloose. Unfortunately these people didn't seem to be following the same script. "Jamie, this quit being funny an hour ago. Guy's- outside. NOW" And with her command, accentuated by the swinging gesture of Theresa's arms, the rest of the team wandered out the glass doors, to the relative safety of the decaying picnic table. "Yer gonna talk. Or ye can be sent to Val Cooper in a box. She didn't specify the condition that you had to be in upon arrival. She's still pissed off at you for dying. As for me, my grudge goes a little farther back. Think. It was a couple of years ago. New York City. The Fallen Angels.... None of this ring a bell to ye then? A rooftop. A drunken Tabitha. And Gomi taking photos a the whole thing......" She let the sentence leer off ominously. If this was Jamie, he should be quaking in fear. And if not, no reason to reveal the whole sordid affair. Kevin Bacon just whimpered and shook his head, "Please don't kill me. Please....". Theresa ignored him, and went to join the others in the backyard. ---- Sam and Tabitha were attempting to talk. At least as much as you can when someone's curled up on packing crates. "Sammy. You can't stay like that. You look silly. Sit up, we can go upstairs." Tabitha was leaning over him, attempting to get him to sit up. Because if she didn't, pretty soon, she would wind up snuffling as well. And she didn't want to do that. Not on a pile of boxes. Somehow, it reminded her a little too much of her childhood. "I don't want t' get up." Sam was simply not doing well with the whole fatherhood concept. Not that he didn't want to be a parent, just that he had no real intention of doing it, well, now. "Look, you get up, or get the whole team in here to carry you up. And Terrys' just as pissed at you as she is at me. Come on". Tabitha managed to haul him to his feet, and start him walking to the stairs. "I don't see why I have to be the one ta do this, ya know. Did I ever say 'Look at me, I'm Tabitha Smith, and I want to be knocked up before my 18th birthday? Noooo.. Sam, these are steps. Walk up them". ---- Perched across the decrepit picnic table, (That creaked ominously under the weight of so many people) A significant portion of X-Force gathered. "Tabitha and Sam are early in the series to be producing spin-offs" "Yeah, well, I don't think this spin off was plotted too far in advance". "Caliban confused. Tabitha is having a baby. But how is baby a spinoff?" Ric just groaned. Apparently "Human Reproduction 101" had a second student. "Shut up the lot of ye. We have a more immediate problem. The man we are holding hostage isn't Jamie Madrox. I want to test the theory one last time. This is the plan" "If this isn't' Jamie Madrox, then who is it? Did we grab the wrong stuntman?" "Jimmy, I think it's Kevin Bacon." Theresa was whispering. ---- "Sam. Listen to me. Wake up a little. This isn't the end of the world. Look I wanted ta tell ya, but it just didn't seem the kinda thing to say over the phone. I didn' want you getting angry or nothing." "Whimper" "Sam. That's not funny." "Whimper". "Does this mean we're over then. That this is just gonna be baby Smith, not baby Guthrie? Cause if it is, then I got better things ta be doing. Really I do". Tabitha was lying. She didn't actually have anything better to do, and the thought of being the lone parent to the kid was more then she wanted to think about. "Oh, ta hell with it Sam. I don't want to deal with this. I'm going downstairs". Actually she got as far as the bathroom, with it's sort of soothing green tiles. If you were into 1970's Avocado anyway. And the bathtub was nice and cool, a good place to lie down and think. Or have a good cry or something. --- "On three. One- Threeee" Kevin Bacon shook under the combined might of Jimmy and Roberto's punches. One to each shoulder. The two produced enough kinetic energy that had this been Jamie Madrox, any Jamie Madrox, then there would be dupes everywhere. All over the place. Instead, all they got was another set of screams from the prisoner. And a guilty feeling in the pit of everyone's stomach, as to exactly what they were doing to the guy. Fortunately, he passed out. Saving them a great deal of trouble. "What are we going to do with him now?" "Put him back where we got 'm." "Works for me." ---- There was a knock on the bathroom door. Tabitha didn't bother getting out of the tub. She hadn't locked the door, so there was no point. If Sam wanted to come in he would. If he didn't, then he wouldn't. And if it was anyone else, she had a perfect surprise ready for them. Sometimes the mutant power to produce time bombs was a distinct advantage- it had certainly worked that why back when she was in the Vanisher's gang. Sam wandered in, obviously distressed. Crying even. And sat down right on the edge of the tub. She ignored him. If you ignored things long enough, they would eventually go away. Well, most things. The baby hadn't, and she had done the best job of ignoring that ever seen. Sam hadn't, and she had been ignoring him for about as long as she had been ignoring the baby. Both had a persistence that would be admirable if it wasn't so annoying. He didn't say anything. He just sat there with that sad puppy dog look he did so well, looking like nothing more then a sad old basset hound. Faced with the sight, she gave in. Tabitha stretched out her hand, and pulled Sam into the empty tub with her. ----- "Maybe we should have gotten his address before we knocked him out." It was James Proudstar's main contribution to the attempt to put Kevin Bacon back where he was supposed to be. It was also the best idea that anyone had thought of all night. For the past four hours the team had been travelling the freeways, first from the duplex to the studio, then from the studio to Beverly Hills. The Mini-Van, with it's new, improved, definitely street illegal, Shi'ar modifications, was purring like a kitten. And they were reduced to actually driving the speed limit, in the hope that no one pulled them over. Kidnapped celebrities, even grade B celebrities and cops were not a good combination. A sonic scream suddenly shattered the eardrums of the entire car, and caused the "Imperial Star Cruiser"(tm) hanging from the rearview mirror to spin wildly. "Are ye happy now?" The groggy Kevin was plied into giving his home address. Not voluntarily, but pried nonetheless. They knocked him out again, after his whispered moans of "Kyra, forgive me...." became too repetitive. Fortunately, the house itself, wasn't too hard to find- after three stops at gas stations, where the almost universal vote was that Terry could be the one to ask for directions. A nice mansion type in the Brentwood Hills. Not too nice, not ostentatious, but definitely nothing to sniff at. And as, Shatterstar had the misfortune of saying, in much better repair then Cassidy Keep. ----- "Somehow, kids are something I always imagined having. Just not right now. How are we going to take care of a baby?" "It can't be any harder then taking care of Caliban or Berto or Mr. Mojoverse. Babies don't try to kill things, or fly, and they probably are a lot less embarrassing." "That's the problem. Your' a mutant. Ah'm a mutant, an one who's come back from the dead at that. What about the baby? Look at what Scott an Jean got- Cable and Rachel were pretty durn powerful, even if she couldn't figua out the day of the week, an he tended to shoot first, question later....." "Sammie" "Yeah?" "What do ya mean _were_? Cable's still kicking around- he shot some famous dude a while ago." "Nobody told ya all? Cable's dead. They found his body in one of the big parks. Hank got a tissue sample- said it was cause of the Legacy an the Techno-Organic virus not interacting well. We all just assumed that ya'll knew, and weren't talking ta us at the mansion." "_Nobody_ told us that Cable was dead. Nobody. Are you sure? It's not like the first time the big slurpee machine up and died on us." "Ah'm Sure." "Oh, fuck." ---- They finally decided on a method of returning Kevin Bacon to his home. Roberto dropped him, still unconscious on the front steps, note pinned to his chest, rand the doorbell, and hovered out of sight. His dark form blended in with the shadows of the night- an irony for one who's power's originated with the sun. A thin, middle aged woman, with a worried expression opened the door. By the joy on her face, Roberto assumed he had the right house, and flew off to the mini-van, hidden down the street. It was really too bad he didn't stay for the reading of the note. "Dear Mrs. Bacon: Here is you're husband. He should wake up in a few hours- he'll be fine. Many apologies for borrowing him, please don't sue, or call the cops. Sincerely, S.H.I.E.L.D. ps. A dog apparently peed on his shoe. We offer more apologies." --- "How are we gonna make this work Sam? Your' off in the X-Men, and I'm here in California. 2,000 miles is a lot, even if ya can fly." "You can come back with me to the Mansion. It's safe, ah can be with you whenever ah'm not out on a mission, and the medical facilities are better then anything here." "Sam- I am not goin' back to New York with you. What would I do there? They all hate me. Who would I talk to? Jean's a vegetable. Hank's still pissed 'cause I blew up his lab once, the professor keeps trying to touch me, and all the mansion reminds me of is a prison. I'm not going to do it." "What do you mrean the Professor keeps tryin' ta touch you?" "Well, I dunno, he just gives me the creeps anyway." "Besides, what are we supposed to do? Cable's dead, this house is crowded as it is, X-Force hasn't got much money, and Terry's the one in charge now. Ah'm an X-man- Ah've been trying' to do this since ah was 17..." "Samuel Guthrie, stop talking like your sister. If I wanted ta be having Paige's baby, I'd join Gen X. All you wanted was to support the family and go to college. You never asked ta be an X-Man. Hell, I think that somebody fried your brain that day. " "Huh? Now wait a minute.." "Sam, that new uniform made you stupid. Really sexy looking but stupid. When's the last time somebody had a normal baby in that mad house?" "Ummmm, Ummmm. Madelyne Pryor was the last to have a baby there. Oh." "Yeppers. If I'm gonna spawn, I want to keep my kid. Not get attacked by the Marauders and eat New York." "Ya know, ah never thought about it, but all us in the New Mutants knew Cable before he was Cable. When we got back from Paris, there he was, a cute, fat little red head baby." "Well, I'm not going to lose track of this one." Tabitha patted her stomach, as if to reassure herself that her child would not one day grow up to eat New York. It was going to be somebody. President. An actor, an auto-repair mechanic. Just not a new Dr. Doom. ---- "Taco Bell does not serve the cuisine of Mexico. Real Mexican cooking is made of many of the same types of ingredients however.." "'Star. WOULD YE PLEASE SHUT UP! We have all of $35, to feed five people, at 3am. Taco Bell is not real food I agree. Tis a horrid American invention to colonize the world. But it's cheap." "Caliban likes Taco Bell. Taco Bell taste like Morlock food." "Ye would..." Terry muttered under her breath. They were trying to wait out the next three hour's before the studio opened again. They would get the real Jamie Madrox, and mail him to Val Cooper. Home wasn't an option- Sam and Tabitha were there. And they were too broke for Denny's. But X-Force wasn't actually the only group of "Warriors" out for a midnight snack and free refills. The place was crawling with Ninja's. Literally. But they weren't doing anything. Just sitting around eating burrito's and discussing the merits of various brands of throwing stars. X- Force, as a group, now uniformed, wandered on in purple and yellow splendour. Nobody said anything to them. Which was good. "We need 13 burrito supremes, ten tacos, 12 chiletos...." Jimmy, as the designated orderer had his hands full. But he could be guaranteed to actually get them food, so the rest went to sit down. It would take the restaurant staff a while to prepare the order. "Look, the lot of ye. I see the ninja's. You see the ninja's. We aren't here for a fight- these obviously aren't professional's, if they still have ta be payin' retail for the equipment. So we see the ninjas. But ye're going to pretend that they aren't there. That means you Star. Don't even think about it. " ---- Tabitha and Sam did not have the same stamina as the rest of the team. They didn't need it. All they were doing was lying in bed talking. They had gotten past the trivial stuff and on to the really important thing. Names. "Ah want ta name the baby after my Pa if it's a boy." "Like what, We can't name it after you're family. My baby ain't going to be named Zebediah." "You know durn well that Zebediah is only a cousin" Sam deadpanned. "Well, what do you want ta name it? After the group of the week, a shopping mall, a store, what?" "Ah like the name Alexander. After Alexander the Great-" "Who?" "Alexander the Great. Conquered the entire known world at the time" "We can't. Scott's brother is named Alex. And I'm not cursing my baby to the life of Alex Summers. I mean, like really, he once worked for _Genosha_" "Hmmm. What if it's a girl? Ah could name it Jessica Europa Guthrie." Sam looked off, as if remembering the exploits of someone from another history book. "'Jessica Europa"?!? Did they kill off ya last remaining brain cell? Is part of being an External naming your baby something god awful?" "Ah like the name. Ah don't remember where ah heard it.." "If you don't remember then it's not going for the kid. I had a friend who wound up named Shaolin that way." "We could name it after somebody who's dead." "I ain't naming my baby Illyana Douglas Jean Madelyne Nathan Christopher Charles Dayspring Askani'son Summers-Grey." ----- I did well ignoring the looks of the ninji. Even the dogs of Mojo could not have provoked me more, yet I stayed my warrior's blades. The foes were not worthy of staining the steel. So I waited, for the sun to rise, and the opportunity to leave the den of our foes. "It's weird. Tab and Sam spawning. Reminds me of when...." "When what? Caliban want to know What?" "When Tabitha and I were living on Ship, with X-Factor. I had a big crush on her... La chica solo del Ship." I hate it when he talks like that. A crush on Tabitha? Obviously Ric was not the warrior then. "Mis compadres, I have heard worse. Psylocke almost went out with Douglas Ramsey." Roberto insisted on bringing up a dead man. "Caliban almost marry KittyPryde....". They continue talking, the three at my table. Theresa and Jimmy have taken a booth at the far side of the room, away from the ninja's who infest this restaurant. Ric is talking about Kitty Pryde's breasts. I have nothing to say. I do not care about Kitty Pryde. So I speak: "Refills? Ric?". They give me their cups. The staff fills the cups with a sloppy manner. The employee's of Taco Bell would not last a minute in the Gladiator Arena. They are not worthy opponents. I make my way back to the table. I must pass through the ninji to reach it. One, underestimating the powers of a warrior bred for the arena's of Mojo World, sticks out a foot, to trip me. I step on it, listen to the glorious "CRACK" of the bones crunching. The ninja should not insult me with such poor attempts at combat. I walk on, passing out the drinks. Ric is still talking about breasts, this time those of Danielle Moonstar. Breasts do not interest me. The ninja's have followed me to the table. They scream something incoherent, I remember it for future usage. And then they attack. There are only 50 or so. It will be a fair fight. Then the blood of the warrior sings to me, and I enter the arena. ---- Back at the duplex, Tabitha and Sam peacefully slumbered, snoring gently in time to each other. Nothing was resolved, nothing settled, and they were still horribly scared. Much more scared then either one was willing to admit. ---- It took the rest of the X-Forcers' at Taco Bell a few minutes to notice Shatterstar's struggle against the myriad ninji. Between deep manly conversations on the breasts of Danielle Moonstar, and Theresa's onesided dialogue with Jimmy on the stupidness of Tabitha in allowing herself to gestate, nobody noticed the sounds of battle, the crunch of broken arms. They eventually joined in. The ninja's were amateurs- one good blow to the head was all it took to knock them out. And they didn't even shout proper Japanese. But, the unworthiness of the foe did not matter. For bashing heads of amateur ninja was almost a public service, eliminating the threat before it started to infest the area. X-Force made short work of the 50 or so. Sure, half the Taco Bell was trashed, the staff was hiding behind the counter, and the floor was slick with blood, from the numerous flesh wounds inflicted upon the horde. "Alright. What are we gonna do with them?" "Among my people it was customary to take the scalp of the defeated foe." Jimmy was doing his best imitation of the Indian stereotype. "Do ye really want ta touch them?" "Nope. But we could brand'em.". A quick foray to the counter produced the biggest black magic marker on the face of the planet. And X-Force went to work, teaching a lesson to fledgling ninja's. --- The 7:00 am news had a story, on X-Force, or the "Ninja Hate Crime", as it was labelled. "Purple terrorist's brand tourist's as Ninja's" led off the broadcast. The Good Morning L.A. anchor's had a field day, at the most bizarre crime of the week- "A bus load of tourists, on their way to a martial arts tournament in Anaheim were assaulted by Five purple clad strangers in a Taco Bell at about 4 this morning. The ninja's suffered bruises, broken bones, and apparently all were branded with the word "Ninja Scum" across the forehead." Unfortunately, The team missed their shot at fame- they were either asleep, or in the process of bagging Jamie Madrox. The _real_ Jamie Madrox, and putting him on the next flight for Washington D.C. In a box. Sedated. As cargo. It was cheaper then buying a seat, and a lot harder to escape from. **************************************************************** Next Issue- Who knows what? Upheaval in Los Angeles, Cable's Will, and the return of the BFG's. Maybe. ***************************************************************** -- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=->>> Amethyst <<<-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- | Keeper of the Labyrinth Flame <-==-> "Looking through windows for | | and Editor of X-Writers || demons and watching the young | | http://www.jadzia.demon.co.uk/ || advance, all electric." Bowie | -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-